Susan Winter | Dating Agency Group Blog

Who Should You Be on Your First Date

Dating begins with the presentation of “who we are.” Are you showing up as the “real you?” or are you presenting a different version of yourself in the hopes of impressing another?

First dates provide an opportunity to create an impression by putting one’s best foot forward. It’s tempting terrain for pretending to be something we’re not, but doing so can eventually hurt both parties.

In pretending to be something we are not, we fool the other into buying into a product that’s clearly not for sale. We lure them into what we think they want, or who we’d like to be, but are not. There’s no future relationship possible from this context, only games, falseness and failure.

The extremes to which some people feel compelled to amend their personalities and attitudes to get love, is alarming. When the need to be wanted overtakes the need to be who we are, failure will follow. It’s imperative to honor ourselves in order to love another.

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Before You Date, Create Your Vision

Before stepping out into the world of dating you’ll need to create your vision. You may have just left a disastrous partnership. Or, you may be in the process of getting clear on what you want in light of your past dating experiences.

Whatever your starting point, it’s a good idea is to formulate a “best-case scenario” vision that works for you. It works, because you already know it works.

Here’s a simple guide to finding your ideal vision in a new mate. It defines what you want and what you don’t want. Then, transforms your “I-don’t-want-this” into its positive opposite. This vision technique pulls from the past and reformulates the undesired aspects into a positive vision for your future.

I advise my clients to begin this vision by getting out a paper and pen. Old school? Yes. Effective? Absolutely! Start with a clean notebook or Word doc if you prefer:

Write down the things that you’ve experienced in former dating scenarios that worked well for you. Coming in on a positive note enables you to feel empowered by your past. You’ve already had good experiences. Acknowledging those things that were especially wonderful in the past allows you to bring them into your future.
Record the positive, good, and wonderful things you experienced in past dating/relationships that are keys to what you want to experience again.

Here’s a sample list of what your past partners may have brought into your life:

Partner A. Great sense of humor. He/she diffused difficult situations with his/her wit and perspective. He/she knew how to “handle me” when I was in turmoil. We laughed, played and had fun. Every day (and every challenge) was enjoyable with this type of even disposition.
Partner B. Spiritually focused and stimulating intellectually. Our mutual spiritual/philosophical interests created cohesion and partnership growth.
Partner C. Aligned creativity and dynamic artistic discussions. We ignited each other’s interest and understanding of our professions. We helped each other expand individually and as a team.
Partner D. Down to earth and real. This partner erved as a stabilizing force in my life. His/her clear thinking allowed me to relax with him/her and be myself.

Next, add another section entitled “Things I Desire.”
These are the newfound qualities you must have and how they’d look in real life.

This is where you transform your “what-I don’t-want” list into your “what-I-now-have” list:

I now have “x.”

“X” is the quality you want to experience. It could be: honesty, fidelity, generosity, lifestyle, adventure, sensitivity, time for me, or time for our relationship. Whatever it was that you didn’t get in your past dating experience, here’s the place to add it into your new vision. In writing these new qualities make sure to add a sentence or two that shows how that would look in the real world.

For example, if you used the quality of ‘honesty’ as your “x” it might be framed like this:

I’m not afraid to speak up and relay my feelings. Neither is my partner. There’s honesty at the heart of this relationship. We have an easy, open and natural communication. We both feel free to discuss whatever’s at hand and resolution of any problem is effortless.

When you combine what you’ve had with what you want… you get a winning formula! That’s the vision for your next romantic encounter. This simple exercise clarifies your thoughts and automatically activates your subconscious.

When we know what we want, there’s a natural “calling in” of those qualities. We begin sending out an energetic frequency that’s focused on the qualities we desire. From that place of awareness it’s easy to observe their presence or absence in the new people we date.

It’s important to keep this exercise focused on the positive. We often enter a new romance with emotional wounds from our past, only to see the same unwanted things replayed in our current mates. By shifting our vision to what we “want to see,” we create the possibility of realizing it. By recalling our successes, we anchor tangible proof that we’ll attain these qualities again in our future.

Happy creating!

Article by Susan Winter

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