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Why Are Unavailable Partners So Attractive?
Whether you are in high school dealing with a boyfriend who you feel loves you too much, or you’re a movie star with people constantly asking you out, or you are recently divorced and getting more calls than you ever did but none of them seem right, you might be in that place so many people find themselves in where the men who are interested, strike you as availably unappealing but the ones who won’t commit are “attractively unavailable.”
Sometimes the guy who wants to commit to you and doesn’t hide his feelings is equated with the good guy, the nice guy, as opposed to the one who says he will call but doesn’t and who instead is seen as the romantic bad boy. For some reason, the fact that the guy likes you so much makes you question his confidence and desirability. You might ask, why is he available in the first place? If he were more secure and attractive, wouldn’t he be taken by now?
There are also the possible elements of a challenge or a competition. If someone pulls away and becomes seemingly less interested, then you might feel the need to try to get them back. It can become more about having their love than actually sharing the love with them. Or if that someone begins to give another woman attention, you might feel jealous and try to take that focus away from the new love interest and return it to you.
So why do so many woman choose the undependable, withholding man over the one who is ready to profess his love to them? In terms of family dynamics, there is the question of what you did and didn’t get growing up from family members, especially mothers and fathers. On the one hand, it may be that you are constantly trying to get what is out of reach, on the other, you might be more comfortable with less commitment and emotion in a relationship!
That constant chase can also become a vehicle for your self-esteem and believing you are better and greater if you are able to attain the unattainable. In other words, if you can convince a man who is not eager or willing to commit to do so, then you must be extra special, and this can set you on a journey that does not have a happy ending…
If this sounds familiar, and you are constantly chasing your man, or not sure when he might call or ask you out again, it could be time to look at it from a different vantage point and turn it inside out. Why spend your efforts trying to get someone’s affection that at best will be inconsistent and leave you wanting more, when you can instead choose someone who will be dependably loving and offer you a true sense of fulfillment?
The goal is to feel valued, cared about, and loved for who you are and what you do, the qualities you already possess rather than having to prove your worth to a guy who is not looking to ever really be fully involved with you. Overhaul how you are going about seeking happiness and security. If you are lucky enough to be with a good guy who does nice things, accept it and believe that you are worth it. Look to reciprocate and build on a relationship with someone who is able to give you the closeness and companionship you are looking for. Try to stop seeing that as boring, and instead see it as rewarding and positive. In many ways it is like developing a new muscle. Do your best to stop flinching and being turned off by nice behavior, and begin to welcome and appreciate it so that you can feel good about yourself, rather than not.
It’s important to be aware of these things, if in fact, there is a pattern in play and you are continually choosing partners who can’t be there for you, so you can make better choices in the future. Ultimately you want to strive to try to feel like a winner because of the things you can have, not for halfheartedly getting the things you can’t.
Relationship Advice from Dr Jane Greer
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