Category Archives: Relationship Advice

Improving Relationships Through Intimacy

Improving Relationships Through Intimacy

Single? Or perhaps you’re in a relationship? Perhaps it’s fairly new, or maybe you’ve made it work and have graduated to long term status? Congratulations! Either way, if you’re being totally honest with yourself, is there something missing? Maybe everything is fine and you just want to make it a little better?

In terms of your relationship, what’s the first thing you think of when you hear the word intimacy? All too often, in all its varied names, sex, making love, banging, this tends to be the answer that shoots out of the barrel of our mouths and leaves bullet holes in a word that holds so much more potential.

We live in a world of polarity where there’s two sides to every coin, so let’s cash in and take a closer look at the word intimacy.

There is a very intimate part of us all that is full of a joyful innocence, it’s the inner child. That pure, sweet, beautiful part of us that is at the innermost core of us all. No matter how big and tough life’s made you, how grown up you believe you are, that’s the real you!

We’re all just a bunch of kids living in grown up bodies trying to find love and make the best sense of the world from what our years have taught us. Sometimes it’s the wrong life lessons that stick! We can build trust issues, hide parts of ourselves that were previously rejected. But the truth is if you want more intimacy with someone, you have to be willing to be more vulnerable, more trusting, more playful, more innocent in your interactions.

The word Intimacy comes from Latin roots, which boils down to a core meaning of familiarity. If you are missing something in your relationship, could it be that you are not familiar with your partners innermost self? Or perhaps even your own innermost self has gotten a bit lost along the journey of life? Buried under all this yucky adult stuff like responsibility, bills, bad habits, for the sake of convenience, unfulfilling jobs and all the other crap that goes with it.

We can get bogged down with routines and all too often end up taking each other for granted. We get complacent and then wonder what happened to ‘the spark’ between us.

Well those who play together, stay together. Any two people can have sex together, lets be real here, that kind of intimacy can be found with a few clicks and swipes of an app these days. But when you learn to love and play together from a state of innocence, that’s the most magical intimacy you and your partner can create. It will work wonders for the long term health of your relationship and for you both as individuals within that bubble.

Even if you’re currently single try to connect more with this part of yourself to bring beautiful changes to your life.

Gülie works as an energy psychotherapist, helping people overcome their intimacy issues using emotional freedom techniques, incorporating massage therapy.

Article by Gülie Ismail

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The Uncertain Path from Getting Engaged to Getting Married

The Uncertain Path from Getting Engaged to Getting Married

Wedding Engagements

Sometimes it isn’t such a clear path from getting engaged to getting married! For some people, undertaking such a big change and lifelong responsibility can cause people to question their choices and judgment, basically asking, did I make the right decision?

That concern and insecurity can trigger their fears and hamper their ability to moving forward. As one partner might be looking to be more involved and connected than ever, the other partner might actually be pulling away and become less available, spending more time elsewhere and possibly even dabbling in activities that can cause jealousy and trust issues. These actions can often be more of a statement of the trepidation that becoming engaged conjures up, rather than a reflection of their true feelings for their partner.

If this happens to you, whether you are on the side of needing more space or the side of wondering what is going on with your fiancé, the most important thing to do is have a conversation with each other to explore the feelings that were triggered by this huge, Uncertain event.

Leave room to talk about misgivings and insecurities, even if that is difficult, so that at least you have an opportunity to express your concerns with the hope that they don’t weigh you down and pull you apart permanently. It might also be helpful to seek counseling to address whatever might be getting in the way of your future happiness. Talking to someone about this can help you determine if you jumped into the engagement prematurely, and the best thing to do would be to postpone the wedding or even walk away, or if it is just a temporary setback that can be fixed.

This is a way to work through the tough time and have a better understanding of each other, know you are able to share your fears and conflicts, and perhaps move toward a happy ending.

Relationship Advice from Dr Jane Greer

Dr Jane Greer
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Blake Shelton & Gwen Stefani – Unexpected Love

Blake Shelton & Gwen Stefani – Unexpected Love

Blake Shelton and Gwen Stafani

Country star Blake Shelton revealed that his current love, Gwen Stefani, was “the last person” he expected to have his back after his divorce from Miranda Lambert. They’ve only been together for six months but already he’s crazy about her! This is a great example of a couple finding love when they least expect it. Sometimes when you aren’t actively looking for it to happen is exactly when love may find you.

When you are getting over a betrayal or heartbreak, it is hard to imagine yourself in another relationship. At that point the last thing you want to do is take a chance and risk being wounded again by someone else. But if you can trust yourself in turning to someone who is supportive and there for you, not only can you start anew, but it’s even possible that a new romance could blossom.

It can be difficult to talk about what you’ve been through and share your pain with a friend. A lot of times people want to shut down, and are not always comfortable reaching out and asking for support. They might feel embarrassed, humiliated or unsure about trusting that the friend won’t gossip about their story and private thoughts with someone else. However, you may find that in expressing your situation to a friend and giving them the chance to offer empathy, you might begin to feel understood in a way that makes all the difference in the world.

The tendency is to shut down when you’ve been hurt, but letting yourself remain open can become the first step in the process of healing. They’re able to see the best in you and help bring out that side of you, so that you can move forward feeling stronger and better about yourself. This is a key element of falling in love, which is being made to feel valued, terrific about yourself, desired, and, especially on the heels of losing all that when you are dealing with a break up, it can be an elixir of the heart. In fact, Blake was quoted as saying Gwen saved his life. There is no underestimating companionship..it can feel lifesaving.

While you may have only seen this person in one light, strictly platonic, that can shift as your circumstances and interactions with each other change. If that does happen, it can be a bonding experience and bring you together in a way that feels like a gain, where before you felt only lost and alone. With this in mind it can be positive to share your emotional pain with someone, rather than remaining closed off and keeping the heartache to yourself. It’s natural to feel vulnerable if you suddenly find yourself being drawn to this person after everything you’ve been through, but it is worth it to let the relationship go forward.

Blake and Gwen recently sang a duet together on The Voice called, “Go Ahead and Break My Heart.” Blake explained that they chose that title and the words to go with it because they are smart enough to know at this point that all relationships will have ups and downs. So why not just put it out there? They’ve been through it before, and they know there will be good and bad ahead, but right now they are so happy they found each other and they will deal with what’s ahead.

While Blake and Gwen are singing about it, it is equally beneficial to talk about it. Though it can feel scary, being involved in this relationship, facing your fears and acknowledging your insecurities can actually make you stronger. While you want to protect yourself and might typically look to keeping these feelings private, if you can instead be honest and genuine with someone you feel has your back, who knows where it might lead you, maybe even to a new love.

Relationship Advice from Dr Jane Greer

Dr Jane Greer
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When Your Boyfriend & Your Best Friend Get Too Close!

When Your Boyfriend & Your Best Friend Get Too Close!

When we become close to someone our natural instinct is to share them with the other people we are close to. Eventually you want to introduce your new boyfriend to your best friend so you can proudly show them how great the other is. You might even end up spending a lot of time together as a group.

Sometimes this can lead to a separate connection between your significant other and your friend, that is all okay to a point. However, there is a definite line that exists which defines how close the two most important people in your life can get to each other, and that is based on the fact that you are sexually intimate with your boyfriend, so there is a clear element of exclusivity that should never be violated by either party.

As long as the connection remains about sharing the strong feelings they have for you it is on the up and up. If though, there is ever a point when you might feel threatened or begin to doubt their intentions, then you can start to think about putting boundaries in place. How can you tell if that time has come??

The first red flag is if you start to feel left out. If your boyfriend and best friend develop inside jokes that you are not a part of, or they find reasons to spend time together away from you, even if you are sick or out of town, it is only natural to wonder if something is brewing between them. Another indication of a problem could be if your friend is admiring you so much that she starts to dress and act like you. If it begins to appear that she almost wants to be you, which can sometimes be flattering, but usually means she is jealous of what you have and might want it for herself, be on guard.

The best way to gauge when and if that line is being crossed is to trust your feelings and go with your instincts. If it is all positive, and your interactions are supportive and caring, then that is exactly what love and friendship is about. But if you start to feel uneasy, uncomfortable or a sense of competition surfaces from your friend, that is a good time to start setting limits on how much time you spend together as a group, and begin to monitor what you share with your friend so you can build your own sense of identity separate from her. By doing this, you can protect yourself and not have to worry about being betrayed by someone close to you…

Relationship Advice from Dr Jane Greer

Dr Jane Greer
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Mending A Relationship Split

Mending A Relationship Split

Marriage Split

Sometimes it can be very helpful when two people take some time apart to evaluate how they feel about each other, and to sort out what is really important to both of them. In the face of baby number three on board, it looks like Megan and Brian have decided to join forces to work on their marriage and see if it can, in fact, work on take two. Similarly, Patrick Dempsey and his wife recently put the brakes on a divorce. You don’t have to be married to give love a second chance. Courtney Cox and her boyfriend are back together after calling off their engagement late last year.

There are many things that can drive a couple toward a breakup. Underscoring most separations are feelings of disappointment, anger, and the idea that there was something you couldn’t get beyond, some impassable issue, an irreconcilable difference for which there is no clear middle ground or answer. The anger itself can make it impossible to get along, either leading to too much fighting or a cold war distance between you, both of which can bring your sex life to a complete stop. For some people, the decision to end the relationship seems like the only path out of the hopelessness and unhappiness one or each partner is experiencing. Breaking up can appear to be a way out of the stress and on the road to a better place.

That said, love is a funny thing. Just because you aren’t getting along doesn’t necessarily mean you have stopped loving or feeling attracted to your partner. In addition to that, some space might infuse those feelings with new life while giving you a fresh perspective on what you can and can’t tolerate in your life. In other words, even though an end to your connection might seem freeing at first, it might ultimately prove to be complicated, difficult, and lonely.

Suddenly those weekend trips to see his mother don’t seem like that much of a sacrifice, or the fact that she chooses to go to the gym most nights instead of eating dinner with you might not leave you feeling so abandoned as long as she comes home after. Time apart allows you to evaluate what is important, and can give you the chance to decide if what once felt untenable and unacceptable might suddenly become manageable in the face of what you really have to lose. Taking a break can give you a chance to get a new outlook, while letting the anger subside. You can cool down and bring some objectivity back into your relationship.

If your relationship feels like it is at a standstill and is steeped in feelings of resentment and disappointment, instead of making the decision to end it for good, consider ending it for now. Give yourselves some time apart so you can see that you actually might want to stay together..

Relationship Advice from Dr Jane Greer

Dr Jane Greer
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Dr Jane Greer on Beyonce & Making Marriage Work

Dr Jane Greer on Beyonce & Making Marriage Work

During the premiere of her new visual album Lemonade this past weekend, Beyoncé shared very personal moments between her and her husband, Jay Z. The couple have had their share of marital rough patches. The challenge of a successful marriage is making it work with all of the elements of difficulty that arise, whether that be finances, children, in-laws, infidelity, or whatever else might bring a bump in the road to a relationship. Beyonce is addressing this important aspect of how much work goes into a marriage in this new album, and she is carrying on with the effort to make her bond with Jay Z better and stronger than ever.

Beyonce and Jay Z share a celebrated personal and professional life, but you don’t have to build an empire with your partner to make it worthwhile to preserve what you have together. Even so, this idea of having to work and put effort into a marriage or relationship is often frowned upon, and gets a bad reputation because it takes on this connotation of being a burden, a chore, or a responsibility. It’s as though people think if it isn’t easy, then it’s better to just call it quits and get out. When Ben Affleck so famously said that marriage takes work, it was like he said something awful, not something positive.

This reminds me of a couple that came to see me a few years back. Things were difficult between them, and the husband didn’t really want to be there. He asked, “Why should I have to work at it? If it’s so much work then we must be in a really bad state, so why not just end it?” I said, “Okay, you can make that choice, but keep in mind then you are going to have to put the work into dismantling your marriage.” I went on to highlight all the effort that would take – dealing with the divorce, splitting up their assets, finding a new place to live, starting to date again. Then, if he was lucky enough to find someone he liked and wanted to spend time with, he would have to hope that he got it exactly right that time so he wouldn’t find himself having to work on that relationship one day. He looked at me and said, “Okay, let’s work on the marriage.” He could finally see that there was no guaranteed easy route, and as I pointed out, nobody gets a pass, so it was worth it to him to try to take his marriage to a higher ground.

So how do you begin to work on your marriage or relationship? The most important word I can offer you is communication. So often there are misunderstandings and one person can become defensive or take something personally which is not meant to be that way at all. Without talking about it, on both ends, people can begin to feel disappointed and alone. I have one patient who was dating a woman he really liked. Their first few dates were great, but on the fourth date he avoided kissing her goodnight and anything else that would go along with that. She was clearly upset, and withdrew and didn’t take his calls for several days. He was clueless about why this was happening, and didn’t understand what had prompted her cold shoulder. He started to think he had been wrong about her, who needed to date a woman who changed her mind so suddenly? So I encouraged him to talk to her, rather than just respond to what seemed like a negative situation. I told him that since he saw this as a promising relationship, he might as well ask her what was going on. When he did she told him the truth, that she felt bad and unattractive when he didn’t kiss her the other night. It all then became clear to him, the truth was he had eaten a whole clove of raw garlic at dinner, he didn’t realize it until it was too late, and he was self-conscious about his breath. She had no idea about the garlic, so she thought he was rejecting her. Once he told her why he hadn’t kissed her, she completely understood and even laughed about it. What they went through is a prime example of a couple doing the work. Without their being open with each other, their relationship could have skidded off the track. Instead, I am happy to report they are very much in love and planning to move in together.

It is so basic really, but so important. The crux of any relationship is being able to speak to your needs and real feelings in a way that doesn’t carry blame. The hope is that you will each understand what the other person is experiencing. Once you are able to do that, you can put your heads together to find common ground and compromise, eventually realizing that the whole of your connection rises above each of your individual needs. Working on it means being willing to challenge yourself, to push yourself past your comfort zone, to be willing to be open. Sometimes trying something new and different, which is not always easy. It means not reacting to the other person, but checking things out with them first. It means being willing to struggle with uncertainty and tolerate the frustration that goes along with waiting for changes to happen, and not knowing if they will. It is about balancing your hope for the future against your disappointments of the past, so you can continue to persevere together.

In the end it is that world and life you have built together that will fuel the effort it takes to do the work that makes it work. The art of problem-solving with your partner takes creativity and brainstorming, and makes you closer because you each feel cared about and supported, which is worth its weight in gold. It can be as valuable as anything else Beyonce and Jay Z create together.

Relationship Advice from Dr Jane Greer

Dr Jane Greer
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Why Are Unavailable Partners So Attractive?

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Why Are Unavailable Partners So Attractive?

Woman Alone

Whether you are in high school dealing with a boyfriend who you feel loves you too much, or you’re a movie star with people constantly asking you out, or you are recently divorced and getting more calls than you ever did but none of them seem right, you might be in that place so many people find themselves in where the men who are interested, strike you as availably unappealing but the ones who won’t commit are “attractively unavailable.”

Sometimes the guy who wants to commit to you and doesn’t hide his feelings is equated with the good guy, the nice guy, as opposed to the one who says he will call but doesn’t and who instead is seen as the romantic bad boy. For some reason, the fact that the guy likes you so much makes you question his confidence and desirability. You might ask, why is he available in the first place? If he were more secure and attractive, wouldn’t he be taken by now?

There are also the possible elements of a challenge or a competition. If someone pulls away and becomes seemingly less interested, then you might feel the need to try to get them back. It can become more about having their love than actually sharing the love with them. Or if that someone begins to give another woman attention, you might feel jealous and try to take that focus away from the new love interest and return it to you.

So why do so many woman choose the undependable, withholding man over the one who is ready to profess his love to them? In terms of family dynamics, there is the question of what you did and didn’t get growing up from family members, especially mothers and fathers. On the one hand, it may be that you are constantly trying to get what is out of reach, on the other, you might be more comfortable with less commitment and emotion in a relationship!

That constant chase can also become a vehicle for your self-esteem and believing you are better and greater if you are able to attain the unattainable. In other words, if you can convince a man who is not eager or willing to commit to do so, then you must be extra special, and this can set you on a journey that does not have a happy ending…

If this sounds familiar, and you are constantly chasing your man, or not sure when he might call or ask you out again, it could be time to look at it from a different vantage point and turn it inside out. Why spend your efforts trying to get someone’s affection that at best will be inconsistent and leave you wanting more, when you can instead choose someone who will be dependably loving and offer you a true sense of fulfillment?

The goal is to feel valued, cared about, and loved for who you are and what you do, the qualities you already possess rather than having to prove your worth to a guy who is not looking to ever really be fully involved with you. Overhaul how you are going about seeking happiness and security. If you are lucky enough to be with a good guy who does nice things, accept it and believe that you are worth it. Look to reciprocate and build on a relationship with someone who is able to give you the closeness and companionship you are looking for. Try to stop seeing that as boring, and instead see it as rewarding and positive. In many ways it is like developing a new muscle. Do your best to stop flinching and being turned off by nice behavior, and begin to welcome and appreciate it so that you can feel good about yourself, rather than not.

It’s important to be aware of these things, if in fact, there is a pattern in play and you are continually choosing partners who can’t be there for you, so you can make better choices in the future. Ultimately you want to strive to try to feel like a winner because of the things you can have, not for halfheartedly getting the things you can’t.

Relationship Advice from Dr Jane Greer

Dr Jane Greer
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